Holding On.

i was skyping with a friend a few nights ago, and she mentioned something that i never really realized about myself. she asked about something, and i actually showed her what i was talking about. she then said that i am very sentimental. i knew this about myself in that fact that i just hold on to things that are given to me or said to me, but i never really told myself that im sentimental. but someone pointing it out to me made me realize it completely.

it is rather strange that a sentimental being can hold on to the simplest of things. things as simple as a valentines day card, a picture with some friends, a photo of a distant relative who served in WW2, or even text messages.

ive come to realize that most of the things that have enormous sentimental value to me were somebody else's. somebody else that i did not even know. for instance, just about everything in my military artifacts collection means something to me...but i did not know the owners of 95% of the artifacts that i have. yet they mean a lot to me. its a strange phenomena. the only other sentimental things that mean something to me are personal things that people have sent to me or said to me. these two areas, history and a few close friends, make up the extremely sentimental part of me. and i am thankful. thankful that i am this way, and at least care very much for a few things, instead of not passionately caring for anything.

i just like to hold on. hold on to alot of things that mean nothing to many people, but they mean the world to me.

The Face in the Reflection.

today at work, plimoth plantation, i was doing the theater. i basically just direct people into the theater if they want to see the orientation film, then press play, and go wait outside for 13 minutes. i did this for several hours and was very bored. when im bored, i pace. so i paced for awhile, then at one point during the day, i happened to look straight up at the large clock on the wall that was facing me.

i saw a face in the reflection of the glass front of the clock. the individual had an expressionless face, blue eyes, and dark brown hair, semi-styled the same as a young man from the 40's era would. it was the face of an individual that i did not know. i stared for several minutes then walked away. only to find myself coming back to it. i did this several times throughout the hour.

the face was my reflection, but it wasnt me. it made me realize that i dont know who i am. to give the typical Christian answer of "you're a child of God" would be hypocritical. im sure that even Christians sometimes feel themselves lost as can be, and not know who they are. this is how i feel. ive done nothing with my life so far, and have composed a fairy-tale in my head of how i want life to be. i am disgusted with both of those last statements. i want to find out who i am and live my life as an individual soul with meaning.

Lyrics of a Different Sort.

"Every Breath"-Boyce Avenue

i first heard this song a few days ago, it was a recommended music video on youtube, so i watched it. i loved it. the video was really good, and the words are incredible. then i listened to the words more closely.

one of the phrases caught my attention.

"the fairy-tale inside your head has become your new best friend"

i highly dislike to take things out of context, and i'm sure the song writer was meaning something else. but when i heard "fairy-tale inside your head", i realized that that's what i do. in my mind i overanalyze things, but i also have fairy-tales so to speak. i'm sure everybody does, but my thought pattern is different than most guys, probably. i have the perfect life all planned out in my head, a fairy-tale, but i know that its not going to work out that way. and it depresses me. the fairy tale inside my head has become my new best friend because its all i think about. but its also my worst enemy when i realize it most likely won't happen. i sometimes wish God didn't give us an unlimited imagination so that we could produce these fairy-tales inside our heads, because most often than not, it gives us false hope. i have never noticed until this week that these really are fairy-tales, and will not become reality. i'm pretty sure i know how it'll end. i'm fine with however my life turns out, but i just wish fairy-tales would come true.

i do not know what God has planned for me, but as for now, i plan on taking the road less traveled in my mind...the road i prefer not to have to travel. but with the realization that my mind is a fairy-tale, i'll have to start down this road, even though i wish not to.

the lyrics of that song helped me, even though i probably did not take the lyrics the way they were meant to be, they still changed me. lyrics of a different sort...

Beautiful Darkness.

The remnant of the sun, disappearing into the distance.
Hugging the distant trees and mountains.
The night slowly pushing in, the coldness chilling my skin.
The lone twinkling star, high above the orange and blue haze.
The feel of grass surrounding my feet,
the trees a black outline against the dimming horizon.
The day fades to night.
And now the stars come out in force, making the darkness beautiful.

Slave to Freedom.

Romans 6:14
Sin won’t be our master, because we’re not under the law, we’re under grace. Christ is in us, and is moving us towards perfection.

Romans 6:16
You will become a slave of whatever you obey. You are a slave to something. If you obey the desires of the world, then you are a slave to sin which leads to death. But if your longing and desire for God is what drives you, then you become a slave to righteousness which brings about freedom. Slaves to freedom.

God wants us to come towards Him.

So basically I'm writing this one because I want to admit something. Before second semester, I had a lot of lust issues and other issues. Specifically during high school and even first semester here. But I talked to one of my RAs, and I started getting into the Bible more. Specifically, some of the Matt Chandler sermons I was listening to really pushed me from a slave of the world to a slave of freedom. I had been a slave to these issues and to the world my whole life, and it sucked. It was the worst times for me emotionally and mentally, and eventually started affecting me physically to the point where I couldn't sleep. The worst time was when I got 3 hours of sleep in about 6 days. I was skipping classes and trying to sleep in the afternoon, but couldn't. I talked to my RA, and he asked if I had been looking at things I shouldn't have been. I had. We talked for awhile, and I realized I'm not the only guy in the world who struggles with this. I'd be surprised if a lot of guys didn't struggle with it. But I was a slave to it, and didn't want to be any longer. After that talk, I wanted to come clean.

It's been a struggle since then, about a month and a half ago. Every day is a struggle, its a struggle of the flesh. It's not entirely Satan's fault. Sure, he provides the temptation, but the flesh actually gives in to sin.

So now, its out there. I had only told 2 people about this. But tonight I told a best friend, and now I wrote about it so I'm not keeping my sin a secret.

I've pretty much been clean for a month and a week. Or something like that. I no longer wanted to be a slave to lust and the world, I want to be a slave of freedom. Of Jesus Christ.

"If you obey the desires of the world, then you are a slave to sin which leads to death. But if your longing and desire for God is what drives you, then you become a slave to righteousness which brings about freedom. Slaves to freedom." -Matt Chandler

ROTC-In the Company of Leaders

Liberty University_Fall 2009.

I've always had the desire to be in uniform of the greatest military on earth. I was planning on enlisting in the military in the summer of 2009 and put college on hold for awhile. God changed my plans, and told me not to enlist, but instead go to Liberty. So I did, but I joined the Army ROTC there to at least get a taste of the military. I became an ROTC cadet in August.

Cadets have 2 classes, the actual classroom class, where we do map reading and learn Army core values and tactics. The other class is a "lab" where we actually go out and put to practice what we've learned. We had a few classes in August, then came the equipment issue. I went to the supply room and me and 4 other guys met with the Sergeant who was handing out the equipment. We then received a pair of ACU pants, ACU jacket, 2 tan t-shirts, tan belt, ACU patrol cap, ACU cold-weather jacket, ACU Kevlar helmet, a pair of black wool socks, tan combat boots, a pair of black gloves, glove liners, rucksack, waterproof bag, wet weather top, LBEs (load bearing equipment) which included 2 canteens, compass and compass holder, and ammunition pouches, red lens flashlight, summer P.T. uniform, cold weather P.T. uniform, reflector belt, and a sleeping system, which included a mat for the ground, a sleeping bag, and an outer layer for the sleeping bag. Let's just say that carrying all this back to the dorm was more than challenging...

The first time I put on the Army uniform felt incredible. Knowing I was in the same uniform as our fighting men and women created a tremendous sense of honor, and pride. Putting on the American flag patch, the Leadership ROTC patch, the MS1 rank, and the U.S. Army patch on my uniform was more than humbling. We were to wear our uniforms on Thursdays, because thats the day we had lab. The first time I wore the uniform around campus felt so awesome. I wasn't feeling prideful, or wasn't trying to get girls with it, I just felt unique and special in it. Being a part of something bigger than myself, being in the company of men, of future warriors.

One of our first classes we got split up into platoons and squads. I was in 1st platoon, 1st squad, A-team. Bertz was the platoon leader I think. Munguia was my squad leader and Berkland was my team leader.

Then started P.T....
I was not a contracted cadet, so I was only required to attend P.T. on Wednesdays. Scholarship and contracted cadets must attend MWF. The first Army P.T. I went to was difficult. I live on South campus, and we did P.T. at the outdoor track near North Campus. There are no busses at 530 in the morning, so I had to get up even earlier to walk. We have hall meeting and prayer groups on Tuesday nights, and I didn't get to bed until 11:30 at the earliest. I had to get up at 5am, change into my P.T. uniform, grab some water and walk to the track. Alot of mornings it was chilly, even in September.

I get to P.T., sign the roster, and go stretch out. At precisely 0600 hours, we would get in formation on the track, then arms up, and spread out. We stretched the muscles, did pushups, flutter kicks, and so on. We would then usually do a few laps around the track, and other drills. This would go on until 0700 hours, where we would get back in formation, and then dismiss. Once in a while, we did a company run around the track. We would form ranks within our platoon and start running in sync, to the chant of Army cadences. I soon experienced my first Army P.T. test. I failed all 3 events. But I learned something during the 2 mile run. It was 8 laps around the outdoor track. On the last lap, my lungs were shutting down, and I was about to quit. But a guy in my squad, my squad leader, and my best friend from high school (also in ROTC) were already finished with their run, but joined me on my last lap and pushed me and encouraged me so I didn't quit. That's when I learned that being in this organization was a one of a kind thing. Even though we are cadets in our first year of college, we already began a bond...the band of brothers bond.

Lab on Thursdays were pretty cool. We were doing alot of land navigation in the Tuesday classes, so we put that to practice. The ROTC cadets would get driven up to Camp Hydeaway, in the Chandler Mountain area. It was a nice place with grassy fields, a lake, and trials throughout the woods and mountains. We would be given coordinates and a map and compass, and pair up with another cadet and go find them. The first time I did land nav, I ended up with Lauren Hathaway. We went off and could not find any points. We ended up hiking halfway up Chandler's mountain. It was fun though. Other time at Camp Hydeaway included marching drills, and drill formations, with dummy M-16s. We also had a promotion ceremony there for Captain Donahue, then promoted to Major Donahue.

In September we also had the Combat Water Survival Test at the pool on North Campus. We got there around 0545. There were several stations. I first went to the one where we had LBEs on, and we had to fall in the pool backwards and take off the equipment before reaching the surface. The next station included walking off the diving board, blindfolded, holding an M16 out in front. The next station we had to tread across the water holding the M16 above our heads, out of the water. Its alot harder than it looks. Having not been in a pool in like 5 years, I went under several times. The last station was we learned how to make flotation devices using ACU pants and jackets. Quite interesting.

We also had several opportunities to see Lt. Col. Leroux. Liberty's Army ROTC program is under UVA's ROTC umbrella program. Leroux is the head officer over both ROTCs. He came to P.T. several times, and also taught one of our classes. He served on General Petreaus' staff during the war in Iraq, he was an Apache attack helicopter pilot. He was a very respectable officer. So was Major Morris. He taught my class on Tuesday's. Morris and Leroux are the two best officers I've ever met. Morris was just the coolest guy. He knew was he was talking about, but also cared about the cadets.

The end of September brought about the Fall FTX (Field-Training-Exercises). We would be going to Fort Pickett, Virginia for Friday evening through Sunday morning. We went to the indoor soccer fields on North to go through all of our equipment in preparation for the weekend. We jam packed our rucksacks. On top of all of our equipment and extra clothing and uniforms, we were also given 5 MREs each. MREs are Meals-Ready-to-Eat. The military's version of food. We left on Friday afternoon in coach busses on a 2 hour journey to Fort Pickett. I'm not gonna lie, I was kinda of nervous about the weekend. Getting on base, we passed a motor pool of military vehicles, saw ranges, and other military stuff. We got there by dinner time and unloaded all our equipment in a field. We had some down time, as we were waiting for UVA Army ROTC cadets to meet us there. We broke out our MREs and had our first meal in the field. After alot of waiting around, UVA cadets arrived and we went to the woods to set up shelter. My team leader was Robby Gartner. A-team leader...Hooah! Haha. Me and Jonathan Pfenninger got a tarp, so we set up a simple tent between 2 trees and put our equipment under it. Then we had an evening of night land nav, and other fun stuff. The first thing my squad did was night land nav, which was a nightmare. We were ill supplied, and me and Pfenninger were paired up, and we had one light, but it wasn't red lens. We didn't find any points, and almost fell into a ravine. Other cadets as well as me and Jonathan had to jump it to get back. We got back then went to the night vision station. We were instructed on the use of the Army's night vision goggles, and got to use them. We also used the infrared option on the goggles. The cool part was we got to go into the woods a little bit using the night vision. It was insane. Then they played hide and seek with them. The last station was an NCO instructed us on proper shelter and survival stuff. Then we went to bed around midnight. We had to get up at 0515. That night sleeping on the ground outside was miserable. Our sleeping bags were so hot, and the tarp held in the body heat, so me and Jonathan were sweating hardcore. I also have a huge fear of spiders and bugs...and they were crawling all over the ground that night. Needless to say, I barely got any sleep. Morning chow was at 0545 I think. It wasn't an MRE, but rather hot food just prepared by the NCOs and upper level cadets. We sat on a concrete bridge and ate chow together in the headlights of the vehicles. That day was full of events.

We went back to our shelters and cleaned up the area, and put all our equipment under the shelter, so it wouldn't get wet. We then marched in formation to another area of Fort Pickett. All the platoons went to different stations. We were supposed to go up in a Chinook helicopter, but the weather was bad, so we were not able to. :( We also could not do the rappelling tower either. So we had to do different stations. 1st and 2nd platoon, (I was in first) did attack formation practice with dummy M16s. Flowers led this station. We did wedge formations and such. Spotting an enemy, calling it out, one squad going online, and the other coming up in support. After awhile of this, we went to a small building on the edge of the field. In it were tables set up with laptop computers and headsets. We got to use a brand new Army simulator that wasn't fielded yet. We did training on it, then did squad versus squad attacks. It was pretty sweet. Then, our next station was the grenades. We learned how to properly throw grenades, then did the course. Me and Pfenninger were Battle Buddies that weekend, so we obviously were paired up together. We did buddy rush up to the log that was our cover. Then threw our dummy grenades at the target, which was a machine gun emplacement in the field. Both got direct hits. Our next target was a machine gun bunker hidden in the woods. We crawled and rushed towards it, we flanked it, and Jonathan threw his grenade in and took it out. The last one was a slit trench on the other side of the road. We ducked behind cover at the trees on the opposite side of the road, and tossed the grenades up and got them in the trench.

Next, was the obstacle course. There wasn't much time left, so we just did the first one. The goal was to climb up the ropes, get across the separated beams that were about 20 feet above the ground, climb up a wood ladder, then climb down about 50 feet on a net ladder. I am extremely afraid of heights, and got sick going up the ladder to the very top. No safety equipment, just an MS4 cadet at the top to instruct me. Luke Flowers (Iraq vet) was on the ground, and he encouraged me. That's what got me over the top. I got to the top, and looked down and almost threw up. But I slowly got down the net ladder. It was definitely an accomplishment for me. Thanks to Flowers and the other guys who encouraged me.

We had a quick lunch, then went to do land nav for the afternoon. Cadets were paired up, then went to be briefed by one of the MS4s. We were given maps, coordinates, and we already had out compasses. I was with Patrick Flesher, who is actually 2 doors down from me in my dorm. Patrick and I plotted our points, then set off. It was raining during this whole time. The amount of land we had to cover to find points was pretty large. We had 2 hours I think, to find points and get back. It took us over a half hour to get from one side of the map to the other. We had to go across a dam, through woods, down and up large hills, and we only found one point I think. The cool part though was that officers and senior cadets were patrolling the roads in vans, handing out jolly ranchers to us. It was awesome. Haha. We had about a half hour left, when Patrick's knee went out. It had been hurting that day, and he couldn't go any further. So we stopped, and some cadets were on their way back, talked to us, then went back to the rendezvous point and told the officers. They came out with a van and picked him up. I then headed back with Jonathan, who linked up with me on the way back. We got back, then had a dinner in the rain. Mine was cold Mexican beans and rice. Then we changed our socks out, and took care of our feet. It's really important in the field environment.

After dinner, I forget what we did. Sad.

Soon, it came time for night land nav. Me and Pfenninger were together on this. We still had only one light between us, but we plotted our points and set off. It's so confusing at night to try to find small signs in the middle of fields and woods. It's alot more difficult than people think. We found one point, but could not find any more. At all. We still had an hour to kill, so we went to find somewhere to just sit. We found woods with a clearing. While going to the clearing, we saw 2 other cadets back to back doing the same thing...they'd given up too. It was amusing though. When the time came, we went back. For some reason, the higher ups decided to move us to barracks for the night...thank God. So, we had to go pack up our equipment and shelters, and put them in vans to be transported to the barracks. Then, we got in formation, and marched about 2 miles to the barracks, while singing cadences...in pouring rain. It was miserable, but fun. We arrived at the barracks around 1230 at night, soaking wet. But, showers were waiting along with a bed. The barracks were pretty crappy, but probably all barracks are like that. Then we found out that we had to be out in formation by 0500. This also meant that all of our rucksacks and equipment had to be packed, and the barracks had to be cleaned. My floor decided to get up at 0430. So basically we had 4 hours of sleep. The early early morning came...we were exhausted. We cleaned up and went outside with our gear. Got in formation..and surprise surprise..waited. For like an hours. Finally got a bag breakfast...which was actually good. It came with a donut type treat, cereal, a drink, and an apple. Delicious, especially coming off of MREs. We then got packed into vans and transported to the LRC..Leadership Reaction Course. It was about 10 minutes away from barracks, and we pretty much all fell asleep. You learn to appreciate sleep being in this type of environment. We got there and put on our Kevlar helmets and gloves. The LRC is different stations where you have to work together as a squad, led by a leader, and come up with a solution to conquer a problem. Some of the pics in this blog show what it is. Most of the stations were over dirty pools of water. Which made it more fun. Most of the time, we had to take off our belts and use them as rope to support beams of wood to get across water and such. It surprised me as to the ingenuity that college students come up with. Some of the things we did was amazing. The best one we did was a mock minefield, and we had to use pieces of wood to get all personnel and equipment across. We put a helmet on the ground and put one end of the board on it and stretched the board to a piece of concrete in the middle. We somehow got everyone across, and lifted the board with the helmet tied to it back to our side. An officer came over and congratulated us, because our squad was the first to complete it within the time frame. Finally, it was about 1130am Sunday morning, and we got the call to final formation. We formed up by the American flag in the field, and some of the officers addressed us, then gave out awards for the weekend. We then packed up in the busses, and took the trip home. Me, Pfenninger, and Stvan were in the back seat and all of us fell asleep soon. I'm pretty sure everyone did. So ended FTX...

The next lab, we had Captain Donahue's promotion ceremony on the field at Camp Hydeaway. He was promoted to Major. It was nice to witness that.

I soon withdrew from the lab class, as I felt that God was not calling me to the military. But I still continued the actual class. It is now second semester, and I am no longer in Army ROTC. But, I do not regret for one minute the experiences that I had, or the friends that I made being in Army ROTC. I learned to push myself, try new things, and learn what its like to be in America's military. I got to be in the same uniform as heroes. I was in the company of leaders and men.

Liberty University 09-10

This year I became a Liberty University student. Being here at the largest Christian University in the world has changed my life. I've become friends with some of the best men and women. Friends that I hope to have forever.

Liberty is definitely unique, unique students, unique professors, unique campus and unique aura. I was not expecting much when I got here, other than a cool campus and some of my friends that were coming here with me as well. That all changed the first week I was in my dorm. The leadership here on my hall is amazing. My RAs are incredible, as well as the SLDs and PLs. My prayer leader this year was Seth, and our prayer group was awesome. The leadership has incredibly inspired my spiritual life.

I'll just give a quick rundown of my first semester. Fall 2009 semester was pretty interesting. I took U.S. History 221 class with Professor Melton, and he made history so much MORE fun for me. I can't wait to take him for my upper level history classes. (I'm a history major). I was also involved in Army ROTC my first semester, just to get a taste of the military, because I've always loved it and wanted to be in it. I'll post a separate blog about my ROTC experience later. But it was awesome. I also made some great friends, like Amy, Britta, Cara, Nicole, Brielle, and Bryan. And I can't forget my Jewish roommates, Brett and Bryan. They're...amazing. To say the least. Also became friends with some of the guys on my hall. My first semester of college included All night of Prayer, football games, drama, classes, swine flu, Christmas Coffeehouse and fun times hanging out with people.

All in all, first semester was okay.

Spring semester of 2010 was better. :)

I became much closer with the guys on my hall, like Dan, Kyle, Andrew, Brandon, and some of the leadership. I also became good friends with Andrea, who hates my Pomeranian, and her roommate Ruth. Also have a better love/hate relationship with Amy...hahaha. This semester is almost over, but it was so much more fun. Me, Andrew, and Kyle were in Math 110 together, and quite frankly were not the best behaved in the class. That's what she said jokes, as well as alot of talking were always distracting us. All 3 of us withdrew by April. My favorite class this year was by far, Evangelism 101 with Dr. Wheeler. Wheeler is probably the most influential/most kind guy I've ever met. His class was so insightful, and interesting. GNED 102 with Van Engen was also alot of fun. Other things I did during this semester was I went to my prayer leaders house for a weekend, with him and Josh, who's also in my prayer group. That was so much fun. I also saw Dear John with Cara, amazing movie. Our hall did an April Fool's prank on the RAs, by putting a set of clothes in our beds and chairs and hiding on the second floor stairwell, to make it look like the rapture happened. We got a REP email from the conduct affairs office for curfew violation, but didn't actually get the reps. Spring also brought about the spring coffeehouse, which was pretty funny. I also saw Sherlock Holmes last night at the movie feature at the Vines Center with Andrea. She fell asleep, but I watched the whole thing and loved it! Invictus was on next, and it was boring as crap. But still fun. Also, since I'm re-writing this blog, I will include my incredible birthday this year..thanks to Andrea! Watched the Sound of Music, and she painted me a picture! And I can't forget all the nights after that...some funny and cool stuff. (Tripping over tree roots and grass) The last few weeks of second semester have been the best!

As far as the spiritual level goes here at LU, its so incredible. Campus church and other things like communion and the night of prayer show me that our young generation still has strong Christians that are champions for Christ. The worship and spiritual life of the students here are so much more real than what I've seen at churches and the Christian schools I went to. I just hope that Liberty will continue this amazing trek, and keep doing the awesome job it's doing now.