Not anxious to die sir, just anxious to matter.

as one pastor put it, "laying in bed at night is when most men lie awake and think. it drives us crazy." i've been living that statement almost every night of my life. lately i've begun to notice who i am as a person, and pondering my future. i despise the person i am, and do not see much in my future except being a work-a-holic to pay off loans the rest of my life. this is not who i want to be. i want to be proud of who i am, and want to have a good future. i know that God has plans for my future. maybe i'll be that guy with no family who's working and doing what God wants him to do. maybe i'll end up with a family. who knows. but i do know that i want to make something of my life.

as of today, i am going to be looking into the military option again. part of the reason i decided against it was because if i got married, i would not want to put my wife through a military life. and that's if i got married. i don't think i'll have a family, so my mind is starting to consider enlisting, possibly my last year of college or right after i graduate. if God does not want me there, He will put something in the way. but for now, i'm going to look into it. i plan on looking into intelligence, transport, and combat photography. we'll see how this goes. let's see what the future holds.

some people think i want to do this for the glory and medals. i only want to do it because my ancestors did it, and i feel that most american men should serve at one point or another. its not for the glory, its for the experience and the sense of pride knowing that i did my part. its not for the glory and glances from other people. im not anxious to die, just anxious to matter.

The Branches and Roots of the Tree.

over the past few years, i have discovered people in my family tree. being the military history buff that i am, i was quite pleased with the outcome. ill start from the bottom, actually, right above my picture.

my grandfather, winford strickland, i have never met. he was in the air force doing radar, and received several medals including the bronze star.

my great great uncle?..walter strickland fought in the normandy and rhineland campaigns in world war 2. he received the purple heart for wounds received in action at normandy. he also was captured and spent time in a german p.o.w. camp before returning to the states.

i am also related to johnny mercer, a famous songwriter and singer during the world war 2 era.

through his family, i am related to general george patton, one of the most famous american generals in world war 2.

also through johnny mercer, i am related to general hugh weedon mercer, who was a general in the civil war on the confederate side.

next down the mercer line is general hugh mercer, a revolutionary war general who was close friends with george washington. "While leading a vanguard of 350 soldiers, Mercer's brigade encountered two british regiments and a mounted unit. A fight broke out at an orchard grove and Mercer’s horse was shot from under him. Getting to his feet, he was quickly surrounded by British troops who mistook him for George Washington and ordered him to surrender. Outnumbered, he drew his saber and began an unequal contest. He was finally beaten to the ground, then bayoneted repeatedly - seven times - and left for dead. When he was discovered, Mercer was carried to the field hospital in the Thomas Clarke House at the eastern end of the battlefield. In spite of medical efforts by Benjamin Rush, Mercer was mortally wounded and died nine agonizing days later on January 12, 1777. Because of Mercer’s courage and sacrifice, Washington was able to proceed into Princeton and defeat the British forces there. He then moved and quartered his forces to Morristown in victory. Because of those victories, Washington's army reenlisted, the French finally approved arms and supplies to the Americans and a stunned Cornwallis pulled his forces back to New York to reassess the surprising American successes."

sir francis drake also fits into my family tree through my father's side. a renowned english sea captain, pirate, and politician who was knighted by elizabeth I.

and the last recognized person i am related to is the howland family who were some of the pilgrims that came over and helped found plymouth colony.

seeing these pictures made me proud of my ancestors, and also kind of makes me wish i could go back and talk to them. that would be the coolest thing, to talk to ancestors and find out what they were like.
i also wish with such a successful line of military leaders and servicemen, that i could carry on the tradition. maybe at some point in the future i can complete that...

Holding On.

i was skyping with a friend a few nights ago, and she mentioned something that i never really realized about myself. she asked about something, and i actually showed her what i was talking about. she then said that i am very sentimental. i knew this about myself in that fact that i just hold on to things that are given to me or said to me, but i never really told myself that im sentimental. but someone pointing it out to me made me realize it completely.

it is rather strange that a sentimental being can hold on to the simplest of things. things as simple as a valentines day card, a picture with some friends, a photo of a distant relative who served in WW2, or even text messages.

ive come to realize that most of the things that have enormous sentimental value to me were somebody else's. somebody else that i did not even know. for instance, just about everything in my military artifacts collection means something to me...but i did not know the owners of 95% of the artifacts that i have. yet they mean a lot to me. its a strange phenomena. the only other sentimental things that mean something to me are personal things that people have sent to me or said to me. these two areas, history and a few close friends, make up the extremely sentimental part of me. and i am thankful. thankful that i am this way, and at least care very much for a few things, instead of not passionately caring for anything.

i just like to hold on. hold on to alot of things that mean nothing to many people, but they mean the world to me.

The Face in the Reflection.

today at work, plimoth plantation, i was doing the theater. i basically just direct people into the theater if they want to see the orientation film, then press play, and go wait outside for 13 minutes. i did this for several hours and was very bored. when im bored, i pace. so i paced for awhile, then at one point during the day, i happened to look straight up at the large clock on the wall that was facing me.

i saw a face in the reflection of the glass front of the clock. the individual had an expressionless face, blue eyes, and dark brown hair, semi-styled the same as a young man from the 40's era would. it was the face of an individual that i did not know. i stared for several minutes then walked away. only to find myself coming back to it. i did this several times throughout the hour.

the face was my reflection, but it wasnt me. it made me realize that i dont know who i am. to give the typical Christian answer of "you're a child of God" would be hypocritical. im sure that even Christians sometimes feel themselves lost as can be, and not know who they are. this is how i feel. ive done nothing with my life so far, and have composed a fairy-tale in my head of how i want life to be. i am disgusted with both of those last statements. i want to find out who i am and live my life as an individual soul with meaning.

Lyrics of a Different Sort.

"Every Breath"-Boyce Avenue

i first heard this song a few days ago, it was a recommended music video on youtube, so i watched it. i loved it. the video was really good, and the words are incredible. then i listened to the words more closely.

one of the phrases caught my attention.

"the fairy-tale inside your head has become your new best friend"

i highly dislike to take things out of context, and i'm sure the song writer was meaning something else. but when i heard "fairy-tale inside your head", i realized that that's what i do. in my mind i overanalyze things, but i also have fairy-tales so to speak. i'm sure everybody does, but my thought pattern is different than most guys, probably. i have the perfect life all planned out in my head, a fairy-tale, but i know that its not going to work out that way. and it depresses me. the fairy tale inside my head has become my new best friend because its all i think about. but its also my worst enemy when i realize it most likely won't happen. i sometimes wish God didn't give us an unlimited imagination so that we could produce these fairy-tales inside our heads, because most often than not, it gives us false hope. i have never noticed until this week that these really are fairy-tales, and will not become reality. i'm pretty sure i know how it'll end. i'm fine with however my life turns out, but i just wish fairy-tales would come true.

i do not know what God has planned for me, but as for now, i plan on taking the road less traveled in my mind...the road i prefer not to have to travel. but with the realization that my mind is a fairy-tale, i'll have to start down this road, even though i wish not to.

the lyrics of that song helped me, even though i probably did not take the lyrics the way they were meant to be, they still changed me. lyrics of a different sort...

Beautiful Darkness.

The remnant of the sun, disappearing into the distance.
Hugging the distant trees and mountains.
The night slowly pushing in, the coldness chilling my skin.
The lone twinkling star, high above the orange and blue haze.
The feel of grass surrounding my feet,
the trees a black outline against the dimming horizon.
The day fades to night.
And now the stars come out in force, making the darkness beautiful.

Slave to Freedom.

Romans 6:14
Sin won’t be our master, because we’re not under the law, we’re under grace. Christ is in us, and is moving us towards perfection.

Romans 6:16
You will become a slave of whatever you obey. You are a slave to something. If you obey the desires of the world, then you are a slave to sin which leads to death. But if your longing and desire for God is what drives you, then you become a slave to righteousness which brings about freedom. Slaves to freedom.

God wants us to come towards Him.

So basically I'm writing this one because I want to admit something. Before second semester, I had a lot of lust issues and other issues. Specifically during high school and even first semester here. But I talked to one of my RAs, and I started getting into the Bible more. Specifically, some of the Matt Chandler sermons I was listening to really pushed me from a slave of the world to a slave of freedom. I had been a slave to these issues and to the world my whole life, and it sucked. It was the worst times for me emotionally and mentally, and eventually started affecting me physically to the point where I couldn't sleep. The worst time was when I got 3 hours of sleep in about 6 days. I was skipping classes and trying to sleep in the afternoon, but couldn't. I talked to my RA, and he asked if I had been looking at things I shouldn't have been. I had. We talked for awhile, and I realized I'm not the only guy in the world who struggles with this. I'd be surprised if a lot of guys didn't struggle with it. But I was a slave to it, and didn't want to be any longer. After that talk, I wanted to come clean.

It's been a struggle since then, about a month and a half ago. Every day is a struggle, its a struggle of the flesh. It's not entirely Satan's fault. Sure, he provides the temptation, but the flesh actually gives in to sin.

So now, its out there. I had only told 2 people about this. But tonight I told a best friend, and now I wrote about it so I'm not keeping my sin a secret.

I've pretty much been clean for a month and a week. Or something like that. I no longer wanted to be a slave to lust and the world, I want to be a slave of freedom. Of Jesus Christ.

"If you obey the desires of the world, then you are a slave to sin which leads to death. But if your longing and desire for God is what drives you, then you become a slave to righteousness which brings about freedom. Slaves to freedom." -Matt Chandler