It's almost 1230 am. I can't bring myself to go to sleep. But I'm just sitting here on the couch in our dark room, thinking. I'm so thankful that Christ saved me. I'm a born again believer in Christ. But I still struggle.
Christians should be open about their struggles to other believers, to get help and also realize that others go through it as well. I struggle with lust issues. As do most guys probably. But I really do, and it's difficult, especially on a large campus with many women walking around. I'm often forced to stare at the ground or off into the distance to keep myself from looking.
Tonight, me and my roommates watched John Piper's video about making war. We don't go to hell because of Satan, we go to hell because of OUR sin. We are the ones that sin, its in our nature. I need to take my mind captive for the glory of Christ, and make war on my flesh and sin. Satan can tempt, but he doesn't have nearly the kind of power that our flesh has. And its scary.
I will admit that I'm scared to death of getting engaged and getting married. Like I really really want to find the right woman to spend the rest of my life with, but I'm scared as anything. I'm afraid that my mind will give in to lust and I might end up cheating on my wife, whether it be actual, or even in my head. It's the single thing that is scaring the life out of me when it comes to relationships and eventual marriage.
But I'm desperately trying to keep my mind clean and make war on my sinful nature. We all struggle, but do we do something about it?
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Better days
And you asked me what I want this year
and I try to make this kind and clear
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
'cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
and designer love and empty things
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
So take these words and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Single-minded.
Today at work, a large group of high school age students were waiting around for an hour for a presentation. They were just sitting around everywhere.
I noticed two girls on the bench. They were discussing past relationships that they had, and complaining about other ones. I don't know why, but it hit me that the only thing that young people mostly care about and strive for, is relationships. Including myself. I'll be the first to say that its been an obstacle for me.
But it suddenly frustrated me that relationships have been my pursuit, and constantly on my mind. I'm sure its on a lot of young people's mind, because that's all our generation does...they live for dating and sex and relationships.
All I've done is strive for a relationship. Maybe I'm going in the wrong direction, or at least with the wrong motive.
i listened to a sermon yesterday. Matt C. said,
"In a relational pursuit of Jesus Christ, in a single-minded devotion to a relationship with Jesus Christ, not only is the Law fulfilled, but a greater ethic actually takes its place. Let’s say I am a single young man, single-mindedly devoted to Jesus Christ and I’ve got my eye open and in my crew a beautiful young woman enters the frame. We get to know each other, and it becomes evident that when I’m around this girl my affections are stirred for Jesus Christ because after all I am single-minded. My affections are stirred for Jesus Christ. Through prayer and conversation with this girl, I begin to sense that she is a part of God’s plan for my sanctification or she is a part of God’s plan to push me even more into the fullness of Jesus Christ."
Maybe what I'm doing wrong is not having a single-minded devotion for a relationship with Christ. I'm not going to strive for relationships anymore, just a single-minded one with Christ, and maybe through that, something else will happen. But whatever happens, I have a relationship with Him. And that's all I should be worried about, everything else will work out according to His plan and timing.
I noticed two girls on the bench. They were discussing past relationships that they had, and complaining about other ones. I don't know why, but it hit me that the only thing that young people mostly care about and strive for, is relationships. Including myself. I'll be the first to say that its been an obstacle for me.
But it suddenly frustrated me that relationships have been my pursuit, and constantly on my mind. I'm sure its on a lot of young people's mind, because that's all our generation does...they live for dating and sex and relationships.
All I've done is strive for a relationship. Maybe I'm going in the wrong direction, or at least with the wrong motive.
i listened to a sermon yesterday. Matt C. said,
"In a relational pursuit of Jesus Christ, in a single-minded devotion to a relationship with Jesus Christ, not only is the Law fulfilled, but a greater ethic actually takes its place. Let’s say I am a single young man, single-mindedly devoted to Jesus Christ and I’ve got my eye open and in my crew a beautiful young woman enters the frame. We get to know each other, and it becomes evident that when I’m around this girl my affections are stirred for Jesus Christ because after all I am single-minded. My affections are stirred for Jesus Christ. Through prayer and conversation with this girl, I begin to sense that she is a part of God’s plan for my sanctification or she is a part of God’s plan to push me even more into the fullness of Jesus Christ."
Maybe what I'm doing wrong is not having a single-minded devotion for a relationship with Christ. I'm not going to strive for relationships anymore, just a single-minded one with Christ, and maybe through that, something else will happen. But whatever happens, I have a relationship with Him. And that's all I should be worried about, everything else will work out according to His plan and timing.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
The best news in the world...
The triune God, in perfect harmony and out of an overflow of love, burst forth in creation. One of the things that makes the Christian creation narrative different from all other religions is all other religions believe that the universe was formed because of some power struggle. So the universe was formed because these two gods got in a fight and wrestled and then mountains appeared and the sun was made. So they believe that the universe was birthed our of angst and power and violence. Our
narrative says the universe was created out of an overflow of love, which is why we come to our God like we do. God creates everything in that creative order to have a higher purpose. He creates everything so that when we partake in it, it stirs in us gratitude and worship for His name and His renown, so that nothing terminates on itself but that everything creates worship for Him, because that’s what we were created for. So He creates food and food is supposed to be one of those things that doesn’t just terminate by going into our belly but in that eating we are to be filled with gratitude in the flavors that He’s created, in the abundance that He’s given and the provision that He’s given to us. And out of a simple meal, worship would be born. That out of a man and a woman coming together in marriage, out of that relationship, worship would be born. That out of sex, worship would be born. The purpose behind everything is to create gratitude that flows out of our hearts into worship for His name. Which is why when sin enters the world and fractures that, those things begin to terminate on themselves, which leaves us insatiable because none of that was supposed to terminate on itself. Which is why we can eat and eat and eat and all we want to do eat and eat and eat more. It’s why sex, although pleasurable, doesn’t bring the fulfillment that it was created, the worship it was created for and marriage becomes combative. And on and on and on we go, because everything was designed to have a greater purpose and have a greater flow than it currently does, which sticks us in a level of superficiality that’s frustrating to our souls. Because according to Romans 8, our souls remember what it was like before that happened.
So sin enters the world, pride and idolatry enter the world, it fractures that and our relationship with God is severed so that everything loses its taste. God in His ferocious, holy love comes as a man, Jesus Christ comes as a man and lives perfectly, sinlessly until He is arrested, beaten and murdered. And in His crucifixion, all the requirements of the Law are fulfilled for those who would believe and all the wrath towards sinners was absorbed in Jesus Christ. He goes into the ground and three days later God raises Him from the dead. The resurrection is the objective evidence that the Law has been fulfilled and that all of the wrath of God was spent. If there is no resurrection, we don’t know that the Law is fulfilled and we don’t know that the wrath is gone for those who would believe. But because of the resurrection, we have the objective evidence that both of those occurred. So that if we would believe and put our faith in Christ and Him alone as the forgiver of our sins and we would repent, we would have full life here on earth and eternal life in that perfect union with God. That’s the gospel.
narrative says the universe was created out of an overflow of love, which is why we come to our God like we do. God creates everything in that creative order to have a higher purpose. He creates everything so that when we partake in it, it stirs in us gratitude and worship for His name and His renown, so that nothing terminates on itself but that everything creates worship for Him, because that’s what we were created for. So He creates food and food is supposed to be one of those things that doesn’t just terminate by going into our belly but in that eating we are to be filled with gratitude in the flavors that He’s created, in the abundance that He’s given and the provision that He’s given to us. And out of a simple meal, worship would be born. That out of a man and a woman coming together in marriage, out of that relationship, worship would be born. That out of sex, worship would be born. The purpose behind everything is to create gratitude that flows out of our hearts into worship for His name. Which is why when sin enters the world and fractures that, those things begin to terminate on themselves, which leaves us insatiable because none of that was supposed to terminate on itself. Which is why we can eat and eat and eat and all we want to do eat and eat and eat more. It’s why sex, although pleasurable, doesn’t bring the fulfillment that it was created, the worship it was created for and marriage becomes combative. And on and on and on we go, because everything was designed to have a greater purpose and have a greater flow than it currently does, which sticks us in a level of superficiality that’s frustrating to our souls. Because according to Romans 8, our souls remember what it was like before that happened.
So sin enters the world, pride and idolatry enter the world, it fractures that and our relationship with God is severed so that everything loses its taste. God in His ferocious, holy love comes as a man, Jesus Christ comes as a man and lives perfectly, sinlessly until He is arrested, beaten and murdered. And in His crucifixion, all the requirements of the Law are fulfilled for those who would believe and all the wrath towards sinners was absorbed in Jesus Christ. He goes into the ground and three days later God raises Him from the dead. The resurrection is the objective evidence that the Law has been fulfilled and that all of the wrath of God was spent. If there is no resurrection, we don’t know that the Law is fulfilled and we don’t know that the wrath is gone for those who would believe. But because of the resurrection, we have the objective evidence that both of those occurred. So that if we would believe and put our faith in Christ and Him alone as the forgiver of our sins and we would repent, we would have full life here on earth and eternal life in that perfect union with God. That’s the gospel.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Grace
Matt Chandler: We were in this class, it was something like, “The Theology of Marriage, Family & Sexuality.”
And in it there was a discussion with Lee, myself and eight other guys. And there was a thing that came up where those guys began to argue that they were virgins and therefore they weren’t going to marry anyone who wasn’t a virgin, because they had kept themselves pure and there was no way there were going to marry anyone who hadn’t done the same. The future ministers of God’s grace completely ignorant of God’s grace. So I remember sitting there going, “Okay, I’m confused.” Because there was this day that we were like, “You would save a sinner like me?” And now we’ve moved to, “I deserve more than that.”
Then I had to take a drama class; it was very painful for me. I’m creative, but I’m linear. And so “Be a tree” was just kind of weird for me, alright. But I had to take this drama class. My love language is sarcasm. And in that class was this girl named Kimberly who that gift was powerful with her. So I got to know her, and we just mocked the rest of the class the bulk of the time. She was 26, no church background, no relationship with Christ, she just lived in the area. At 26 she had already had a child, wasn’t married. So we would just laugh, and I would talk to her about my faith and really the difference between what the Bible said and what she was experiencing from a small Baptist campus. And a friend of mine named Robbie Seay was doing a concert in San Angelo, so I said, “Hey, hop in with my crew and check this thing out.” And so she hopped in the car and we got there. As soon as I got there, I was like, “Oh no.” It was a “True Love Waits” rally. Now I’m all about true love waiting, but I was just like, “This is probably the wrong venue to invite Kim to.” I’ve tried to work through this, but I still get very angry thinking about it. The guy starts his talk. Of course we didn’t use much of the Bible. Much of Evangelicalism just prooftexts. He takes this rose up and smells it and talks about how everybody loves the fragrance of the rose and how pretty it is. He throws his rose out into the crowd, and they’re passing it around and smelling it. While they’re doing that he’s going on about, “Venereal diseases are bad and they itch and you’ll need penicillin.” It’s fear-mongering really. As if you can scare kids into purity. Talk about the beauty of God’s design, not the dangers of venereal diseases. About 20 minutes into his talk, he’s like, “Where’s my rose?” And so this kid brings it up and the stem’s broken, the leaves are all jacked up, there’s like one petal left on it. He was like, “Who would want this? Who would want this rose? Would anyone want to put this and display this as yours?” And I just remember feeling, “I’ve got to physically harm him. I have got to rush the stage and choke him out, grab his microphone and correct this. This is wrong.” That’s what I felt welling up inside of me. The correct answer is, “Jesus does, you dummy.”
I'm so glad that God's grace completely overshadows us when we've lived such a sinful rebellious life...
When people, especially Christians, think that they deserve more than grace, its just becomes a sad affair.
Everybody who trusts in Christ is covered in grace. Why not show it for other people who have made mistakes?
Our God is a God of second chances who shows grace to the worst of us sinners...
Let us do the same.
And in it there was a discussion with Lee, myself and eight other guys. And there was a thing that came up where those guys began to argue that they were virgins and therefore they weren’t going to marry anyone who wasn’t a virgin, because they had kept themselves pure and there was no way there were going to marry anyone who hadn’t done the same. The future ministers of God’s grace completely ignorant of God’s grace. So I remember sitting there going, “Okay, I’m confused.” Because there was this day that we were like, “You would save a sinner like me?” And now we’ve moved to, “I deserve more than that.”
Then I had to take a drama class; it was very painful for me. I’m creative, but I’m linear. And so “Be a tree” was just kind of weird for me, alright. But I had to take this drama class. My love language is sarcasm. And in that class was this girl named Kimberly who that gift was powerful with her. So I got to know her, and we just mocked the rest of the class the bulk of the time. She was 26, no church background, no relationship with Christ, she just lived in the area. At 26 she had already had a child, wasn’t married. So we would just laugh, and I would talk to her about my faith and really the difference between what the Bible said and what she was experiencing from a small Baptist campus. And a friend of mine named Robbie Seay was doing a concert in San Angelo, so I said, “Hey, hop in with my crew and check this thing out.” And so she hopped in the car and we got there. As soon as I got there, I was like, “Oh no.” It was a “True Love Waits” rally. Now I’m all about true love waiting, but I was just like, “This is probably the wrong venue to invite Kim to.” I’ve tried to work through this, but I still get very angry thinking about it. The guy starts his talk. Of course we didn’t use much of the Bible. Much of Evangelicalism just prooftexts. He takes this rose up and smells it and talks about how everybody loves the fragrance of the rose and how pretty it is. He throws his rose out into the crowd, and they’re passing it around and smelling it. While they’re doing that he’s going on about, “Venereal diseases are bad and they itch and you’ll need penicillin.” It’s fear-mongering really. As if you can scare kids into purity. Talk about the beauty of God’s design, not the dangers of venereal diseases. About 20 minutes into his talk, he’s like, “Where’s my rose?” And so this kid brings it up and the stem’s broken, the leaves are all jacked up, there’s like one petal left on it. He was like, “Who would want this? Who would want this rose? Would anyone want to put this and display this as yours?” And I just remember feeling, “I’ve got to physically harm him. I have got to rush the stage and choke him out, grab his microphone and correct this. This is wrong.” That’s what I felt welling up inside of me. The correct answer is, “Jesus does, you dummy.”
I'm so glad that God's grace completely overshadows us when we've lived such a sinful rebellious life...
When people, especially Christians, think that they deserve more than grace, its just becomes a sad affair.
Everybody who trusts in Christ is covered in grace. Why not show it for other people who have made mistakes?
Our God is a God of second chances who shows grace to the worst of us sinners...
Let us do the same.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Sadness on a Whole New Level.
things in this world can make me sad. a relative becoming sick, something i lose, or something bad happening can make me sad. but yesterday and today brought about sadness on a whole new level...for somebody else.
working at a living history museum, i see hundreds and hundreds of people, possibly a couple thousand, every single day. yesterday, a family walked in and bought tickets. seeing them go by broke my heart. they were by no means rich. the father was around 50 years old, average size, long strands of unkempt hair. his wife, a larger lady, was blind. there were 2 children. one was a pretty little girl who looked normal, but something was off about her. and the son was severely mentally handicapped and was in a special chair. he could not speak, only screaming and yelling out unintelligible phrases. we let them in at the price of one adult. all my coworkers felt so sorry. the father led his blind wife and 2 handicapped children to the orientation film. i was stationed down there right after they went in. the son was yelling in the theater, much to the discomfort of the other visitors. so the father took him out and said some unintelligible phrases to him to calm him down.
i could not bring myself to look at them because of the amount of sorrow i was feeling. this man must go through tremendous amounts of stress. i wondered if he could even work because of the condition of his family.
and then, they came back a second day in a row, and stayed most of the day. i think they enjoyed it very much. and i'm glad they could enjoy the 2 days together at my work, they definitely deserve it. they deserve a lot more too.
i give extreme respect to that man for taking care of his entire family when they cannot do anything for themselves.
but i still feel the sadness.
working at a living history museum, i see hundreds and hundreds of people, possibly a couple thousand, every single day. yesterday, a family walked in and bought tickets. seeing them go by broke my heart. they were by no means rich. the father was around 50 years old, average size, long strands of unkempt hair. his wife, a larger lady, was blind. there were 2 children. one was a pretty little girl who looked normal, but something was off about her. and the son was severely mentally handicapped and was in a special chair. he could not speak, only screaming and yelling out unintelligible phrases. we let them in at the price of one adult. all my coworkers felt so sorry. the father led his blind wife and 2 handicapped children to the orientation film. i was stationed down there right after they went in. the son was yelling in the theater, much to the discomfort of the other visitors. so the father took him out and said some unintelligible phrases to him to calm him down.
i could not bring myself to look at them because of the amount of sorrow i was feeling. this man must go through tremendous amounts of stress. i wondered if he could even work because of the condition of his family.
and then, they came back a second day in a row, and stayed most of the day. i think they enjoyed it very much. and i'm glad they could enjoy the 2 days together at my work, they definitely deserve it. they deserve a lot more too.
i give extreme respect to that man for taking care of his entire family when they cannot do anything for themselves.
but i still feel the sadness.
Monday, June 14, 2010
"Deduct a Point"
last night i had an epiphany. i didn't get it from the Bible or some Christian book. it actually came from a very secular movie. last night i watched "she's out of my league". me and my friend were watching it, and when it got to the scene where they were about to sleep together, but didn't, their conversation pretty much kicked me in the face.
in this movie, kirk, a 5, is a lowly tsa agent who is asked out by molly, a hard 10 on the hotness rating scale. he does not understand how such a perfect gorgeous girl would even go out with him. and in their break up conversation in that scene, i realized that i'm kirk.
people have told me i don't have any self-esteem in that area. and i've just been told that and told that over and over. until it no longer has much effect. but the way molly worded a few sentences, really sunk in deep to me. i'm just like kirk, and a guy. a lot of guys use a rating scale on themselves and girls...its just what we do. i consider myself MAYBE a 4 or 5. then molly said this...
"you know what? maybe you are a 5. you know why? no self esteem, deduct a point. every time someone walks into the room, you compare yourself to them. deduct a point. you’re a smart and talented guy, who’s afraid to do anything with it, deduct a point."
i couldn't believe what i heard. because i realized thats exactly what i am. every time someone walks in the room, i compare myself, and think that nothing ever could happen with me and them. deduct a point. basically when i see a gorgeous girl, i think to myself "there's no way in hell..". deduct a point. i have no self esteem in this area which is extremely sad. deduct a point. i don't know how i came to this point, and i don't know how to fix it, but i'm going to try my best to fix myself with God's help.
in this movie, kirk, a 5, is a lowly tsa agent who is asked out by molly, a hard 10 on the hotness rating scale. he does not understand how such a perfect gorgeous girl would even go out with him. and in their break up conversation in that scene, i realized that i'm kirk.
people have told me i don't have any self-esteem in that area. and i've just been told that and told that over and over. until it no longer has much effect. but the way molly worded a few sentences, really sunk in deep to me. i'm just like kirk, and a guy. a lot of guys use a rating scale on themselves and girls...its just what we do. i consider myself MAYBE a 4 or 5. then molly said this...
"you know what? maybe you are a 5. you know why? no self esteem, deduct a point. every time someone walks into the room, you compare yourself to them. deduct a point. you’re a smart and talented guy, who’s afraid to do anything with it, deduct a point."
i couldn't believe what i heard. because i realized thats exactly what i am. every time someone walks in the room, i compare myself, and think that nothing ever could happen with me and them. deduct a point. basically when i see a gorgeous girl, i think to myself "there's no way in hell..". deduct a point. i have no self esteem in this area which is extremely sad. deduct a point. i don't know how i came to this point, and i don't know how to fix it, but i'm going to try my best to fix myself with God's help.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)