Sadness on a Whole New Level.

things in this world can make me sad. a relative becoming sick, something i lose, or something bad happening can make me sad. but yesterday and today brought about sadness on a whole new level...for somebody else.

working at a living history museum, i see hundreds and hundreds of people, possibly a couple thousand, every single day. yesterday, a family walked in and bought tickets. seeing them go by broke my heart. they were by no means rich. the father was around 50 years old, average size, long strands of unkempt hair. his wife, a larger lady, was blind. there were 2 children. one was a pretty little girl who looked normal, but something was off about her. and the son was severely mentally handicapped and was in a special chair. he could not speak, only screaming and yelling out unintelligible phrases. we let them in at the price of one adult. all my coworkers felt so sorry. the father led his blind wife and 2 handicapped children to the orientation film. i was stationed down there right after they went in. the son was yelling in the theater, much to the discomfort of the other visitors. so the father took him out and said some unintelligible phrases to him to calm him down.

i could not bring myself to look at them because of the amount of sorrow i was feeling. this man must go through tremendous amounts of stress. i wondered if he could even work because of the condition of his family.

and then, they came back a second day in a row, and stayed most of the day. i think they enjoyed it very much. and i'm glad they could enjoy the 2 days together at my work, they definitely deserve it. they deserve a lot more too.

i give extreme respect to that man for taking care of his entire family when they cannot do anything for themselves.

but i still feel the sadness.

"Deduct a Point"

last night i had an epiphany. i didn't get it from the Bible or some Christian book. it actually came from a very secular movie. last night i watched "she's out of my league". me and my friend were watching it, and when it got to the scene where they were about to sleep together, but didn't, their conversation pretty much kicked me in the face.

in this movie, kirk, a 5, is a lowly tsa agent who is asked out by molly, a hard 10 on the hotness rating scale. he does not understand how such a perfect gorgeous girl would even go out with him. and in their break up conversation in that scene, i realized that i'm kirk.

people have told me i don't have any self-esteem in that area. and i've just been told that and told that over and over. until it no longer has much effect. but the way molly worded a few sentences, really sunk in deep to me. i'm just like kirk, and a guy. a lot of guys use a rating scale on themselves and girls...its just what we do. i consider myself MAYBE a 4 or 5. then molly said this...

"you know what? maybe you are a 5. you know why? no self esteem, deduct a point. every time someone walks into the room, you compare yourself to them. deduct a point. you’re a smart and talented guy, who’s afraid to do anything with it, deduct a point."

i couldn't believe what i heard. because i realized thats exactly what i am. every time someone walks in the room, i compare myself, and think that nothing ever could happen with me and them. deduct a point. basically when i see a gorgeous girl, i think to myself "there's no way in hell..". deduct a point. i have no self esteem in this area which is extremely sad. deduct a point. i don't know how i came to this point, and i don't know how to fix it, but i'm going to try my best to fix myself with God's help.

Not anxious to die sir, just anxious to matter.

as one pastor put it, "laying in bed at night is when most men lie awake and think. it drives us crazy." i've been living that statement almost every night of my life. lately i've begun to notice who i am as a person, and pondering my future. i despise the person i am, and do not see much in my future except being a work-a-holic to pay off loans the rest of my life. this is not who i want to be. i want to be proud of who i am, and want to have a good future. i know that God has plans for my future. maybe i'll be that guy with no family who's working and doing what God wants him to do. maybe i'll end up with a family. who knows. but i do know that i want to make something of my life.

as of today, i am going to be looking into the military option again. part of the reason i decided against it was because if i got married, i would not want to put my wife through a military life. and that's if i got married. i don't think i'll have a family, so my mind is starting to consider enlisting, possibly my last year of college or right after i graduate. if God does not want me there, He will put something in the way. but for now, i'm going to look into it. i plan on looking into intelligence, transport, and combat photography. we'll see how this goes. let's see what the future holds.

some people think i want to do this for the glory and medals. i only want to do it because my ancestors did it, and i feel that most american men should serve at one point or another. its not for the glory, its for the experience and the sense of pride knowing that i did my part. its not for the glory and glances from other people. im not anxious to die, just anxious to matter.

The Branches and Roots of the Tree.

over the past few years, i have discovered people in my family tree. being the military history buff that i am, i was quite pleased with the outcome. ill start from the bottom, actually, right above my picture.

my grandfather, winford strickland, i have never met. he was in the air force doing radar, and received several medals including the bronze star.

my great great uncle?..walter strickland fought in the normandy and rhineland campaigns in world war 2. he received the purple heart for wounds received in action at normandy. he also was captured and spent time in a german p.o.w. camp before returning to the states.

i am also related to johnny mercer, a famous songwriter and singer during the world war 2 era.

through his family, i am related to general george patton, one of the most famous american generals in world war 2.

also through johnny mercer, i am related to general hugh weedon mercer, who was a general in the civil war on the confederate side.

next down the mercer line is general hugh mercer, a revolutionary war general who was close friends with george washington. "While leading a vanguard of 350 soldiers, Mercer's brigade encountered two british regiments and a mounted unit. A fight broke out at an orchard grove and Mercer’s horse was shot from under him. Getting to his feet, he was quickly surrounded by British troops who mistook him for George Washington and ordered him to surrender. Outnumbered, he drew his saber and began an unequal contest. He was finally beaten to the ground, then bayoneted repeatedly - seven times - and left for dead. When he was discovered, Mercer was carried to the field hospital in the Thomas Clarke House at the eastern end of the battlefield. In spite of medical efforts by Benjamin Rush, Mercer was mortally wounded and died nine agonizing days later on January 12, 1777. Because of Mercer’s courage and sacrifice, Washington was able to proceed into Princeton and defeat the British forces there. He then moved and quartered his forces to Morristown in victory. Because of those victories, Washington's army reenlisted, the French finally approved arms and supplies to the Americans and a stunned Cornwallis pulled his forces back to New York to reassess the surprising American successes."

sir francis drake also fits into my family tree through my father's side. a renowned english sea captain, pirate, and politician who was knighted by elizabeth I.

and the last recognized person i am related to is the howland family who were some of the pilgrims that came over and helped found plymouth colony.

seeing these pictures made me proud of my ancestors, and also kind of makes me wish i could go back and talk to them. that would be the coolest thing, to talk to ancestors and find out what they were like.
i also wish with such a successful line of military leaders and servicemen, that i could carry on the tradition. maybe at some point in the future i can complete that...